Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes and Funny Christmas Sayings: Christmas sometimes can be stressful in terms of preparation and ensuring everything runs smooth. You are up and down doing some shopping for the Christmas. This is the period that everyone is looking forward to the celebrations.

To help you overcome the Christmas holiday season, we are going to look at a collection of funny Christmas quotes, funny Christmas Sayings and funny Christmas proverbs.

Funny Christmas Quotes

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. – Bernard Manning

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. – Melanie White

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  – Dave Barry

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  – Phyllis Diller

That’s the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.  – Jerry Seinfeld

funny christmas sayings and phrases

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don’t clean it up too quickly. – Andy Rooney

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa? – Matt Groening

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. – Joan Rivers

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.  – Bridger Winegar

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.   – Anonymous

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home. – Carol Nelson

Funny christmas slogans

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. – Dave Barry

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. – Steven Wright

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm and we all go through it together. – Garrison Keillor

Funny christmas sayings

Also Find:

Christmas Eve Quotes
Christmas Family Quotes

Funny Christmas Sayings

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. – Johnny Carson

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.  – Shirley Temple

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. – Dave Barry

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. – Larry Wilde

Funny Christmas quotes sayings

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt. – Dave Barry

Mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.  – Johnny Carson

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’. – Robert Paul

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. – Dennis Miller

My husband bought fruitcake one year. He ate some of it, but I wrapped the rest and gave it back to him for Christmas. The next year, I found it amongst my presents from him. It developed from there. – Rikki Rosenberg

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking. – Earthman Adam

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.  – Andy Borowitz

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. – Robert Godden

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want–and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.– Shirley Temple

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. – Henny Youngman

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present. – Don Marquis

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. – Winston Spear

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones. – Guy Endore Kaiser

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: Some assembly required. – John Leo

I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.– Bridger Winegar

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking? – Arlo Guthrie

Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal. – Lenore Hershey

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. – Kin Hubbard

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. – Erma Bombeck

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa? – Matt Groening

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. – Tom Sims

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. – Author Unknown

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway! – Anne Bristow

Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen. – Sean Hughes

Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money? – Tom Armstrong

Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer. – Catherine Tate

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. –Erma Bombeck

Nothing says holiday like a cheese log. – Ellen DeGeneres

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money. – Author Unknown